NOT to be ECLIPSED by.. these 25..

5 things.. I randomly hate about you. seriously.
Friday, January 30, 2009 at 10:58pm
1. I hate when people use adjectives like spears.. throw em around and get stabbed to death. This should really be #25 since it is sooo random.

2. I hate weak handshakes and goofy smiles. yea, you with the limpwristed sweaty oaf hands and a smirky, kooky, toothsome, look on your face to boot. wipe it down, start over chop your hands off and sew your head to the carpet.. as that will give you less of that look I loathe.

3. I hate anyone who would buy cologne that they sell at Rite-aid. Imagine how much I hate them for wearing it.

4. I hate the hope filled will to pay attention to me and read this then send a comment back because you are lonely and bored and want someone to strike up a random conversation about caramel hair dye or doggy doors or the fact that we both enjoy watching Gossip Girls but only on DVD so we can watch it all at once instead of show by show because its so good.

5. I hate the bad breath that reeks of licorice and lukewarm hot dogs, a slight tinge of throwup and tree bark. It is your choice to brush AND floss.

6. I hate peoples collections of shit. What is that crap on your windowsill? a f**king metal kitten and some green tea container with your name on it? for crap sakes hold onto an electric eel and die will ya.

7. Did you know they found water on Mars? Did you know that this note is still more irrelevant? good. know what.. hate you.

8. hate your attitude about this so far.. can you just get over yourself? Are you offended and hurt now that I just made fun of the chain note for 25 straight lines? Don't be. Read on.

9. I really hate the fact that I know you dont signal when you should you traffic whore.

10. Thought I should add just one "25 random things about me" to your list so,here it is; I want to start adopting 15 year old kids because you’ll only have to pay their support cost of living for 3 years and - of course - everyone in the household will have chores. The youngest person in the house gets the most annoying/boring chores and I will just suck on fudge bars and watch.

11. hate it over and over when I think about the crust that comes off eyelids when you sleep. Get a f**king rag and wipe that crumbly shit from your face you disgusting mongrol.

12. totally hate the affinity with google. Shut up about "I googled this, and I googled that" .. your ability to use the computer is almost usurped by stephen hawking and an infant with down syndrome combined, just kidding.... not.

13. hate stupid car keys. Can you just get some keys on a chain and leave off the cara monkey and the aluminum bottle opener that resembles a fish? for piss sakes you are driving a car and not a boat.

14. I hate the new puffed faces of Rikki Lake, Geena Davis and, oh, yea.. Rene Russo.. have you seen these bitches mugs lately.. absolute botox gone wrong.

15. hate physical nastyness. What you dont have is is a hot Mediterranean woman body in knee-high sexboots and impractical underpants, and do have is an uglybetty stamp on your pimple-ridden forehead.

16. I hate starbucks and their psudo-snob propaganda. PLEASE dont call a large a venti, or caramel macchiatos some sidesteppin bullshit. Its a bunch of maxwell house dirty mexican water shit anyway. Get it right, its a large, medium, and small.. oh, and supersize my biscotti would ya?

17. I could hate so much by now that this hate list would lose its credential.. but it has actually started to be fun. oh, and I hate your showing buttcrack. You have done a bad job at covering it too miss walmart flaunter.

18. I also hate opossums. They’re huge, ugly-ass rats with no redeemable social value. We have plenty of scavengers; so go do your own thing ratfaces.

19. hate compassion for the neighbors. they can get their own barbequed pork. nuff said.

20. I people who park in the wheelchair parking because they think being fat means being disabled and some stupid oregon city judge gave them a free pass. fat people got less rights and that is that.. dont you see? you are gaining weight by the way..

21. I hate most of my friends friends. You know, the ones who think they have a right to give guys like me fashion advice. Yes, I know that aqua brings out my eyes, but I don’t want my damn eyes brought out!

22. I hate when you people say thier life was changed by Buddah, a movie, chocolate, cheese, mowers, whatever. really hate that!

23. I hate Abercrombie employees. I'm sorry your modeling career didn't work out. Now ring those f**king jeans up for me and wipe that look off your face.

24. I hate people who still wonder if Kurt Cobain really killed himself. Their crap wasnt really that good.

25. I hate those who make me smile when they think this list is some seriousness that I had to get off my chest. I write food columns and shit like that.. come on, I am venting through the vent itself.. LIFE! love this or just plain hate it.. would you please?